Lately I have been seeing a lot of articles on-line about how thoughts create reality, the benefits of a gratitude practice, staying positive, impermanence etc, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely aligned myself with this line of thinking for a long time! These tactics could help me gain perspective by seeing the bigger picture and that something difficult would soon pass and be only a memory. But when I used positivity as a way to avoid the reality of my situation, it wasn’t positive. I used “mantra’s”, affirmations, searched for what I should be grateful for in any given shit storm; all as a way of keeping me from really feeling my feelings. It also kept me from asking for what I needed, protecting myself from other’s harshness or harmful behavior, but most importantly it kept me from healing my wounds from the past.
When my daughter was born, the transition into being a mom was really challenging for me. The normal new mom issues; no sleep, no independence, worrying if she was going to be alright after a hard birth, if I’d screw her up with sleep training, if I was giving her enough milk, etc, etc. I remember standing in the shower, on the verge of tears and telling myself “this too shall pass”. It did pass, she’s four and a lot of the things I had feared didn’t materialize into actually harming her, at least that I can tell at this point in time! With one simple platitude, I stopped myself from really feeling a myriad of emotions; my fear about being a good mom, sadness and grief about not getting the birth I wanted and anger for not getting the support I needed.
You might be thinking, “That all sounds good, by practicing positivity, you avoided a lot of negative emotions.” But I don’t think there are negative emotions anymore, there’s just emotion. Most emotions show up for good reason, they are justified and serve me in one way or another. By not letting myself fully feel them, I used a great deal of energy to suppress them, and in turn I was not able to feel the full range of my experience, including the full extent of my joy. Not to say I didn’t feel any of the sweetness, it was just dampened. I have found when I suppress my emotions, I am really suppressing myself, which leads to a more general depression. The longer I suppress, the longer it takes me to actually “get over” something that was difficult, if I get over it at all.
Now when I feel sad, I cry, even wail if need. If I feel angry, I have what Robert Master’s calls a “conscious rant”; where I give myself two-minutes to scream, stomp my feet, hit a pillow, and express what I’m truly angry about without filtering or censorship. When I feel fear, I face it; see where it is in my body, what color it has, what shape it is; I ask it why it’s here? Where is it really coming from? If I can allow myself to feel my “more difficult” emotions or my shadow; then I can also fully feel my light! I don’t need to look for the positive side of things, it’s just here and I’m present enough to see them, not mired in avoiding some of my experience. I don’t need to “practice gratitude”, it just bubbles up from the core of my being. If I allow myself to fully feel it ALL in each moment, I can also feel it pass and then the idea of impermanence is obvious, not a forced concept. I can also ask for what I need and set healthy boundaries; ultimately leading to deeper and richer connections with people that actually help support my growth.
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I’m not saying you shouldn’t be grateful or not step back to gain perspective; but try to look deeper at your intention for doing these things. If you are trying to avoid something that appears to be “darkness”…you might also be missing the light!