OK, I’m ready to admit it, I JUDGE.
It’s been hard to admit. For a long time, I clung to the notion that “I don’t judge” or “I can’t judge”, but that was a lie! I told myself the lie to protect myself from that harsh voice of my inner critic. If I admitted I was judging, that would have meant that I was not “nice” or accepting, but most of all not “spiritual” enough. Judgment gets trashed in certain circles and because it does, we suppress our judgments and tell ourselves and others that we don’t do it, because to be a good person we need to be non-judgmental…which is total bullshit! In reality, HUMANS JUDGE, no way around it, we are doing it ALL THE TIME.
This is how I see judgment play out in my life:
Discernment
In a general way, I can notice my mind scanning my surroundings, evaluating and JUDGING all the time. I’m defining my likes or dislikes constantly. This feels more like discernment and it’s how I align myself with the things, people, ideas, beliefs that work for me. You are likely doing it right now as you read this article!
In a more specific way, I notice I’m judging someone’s behavior, decisions, attitudes, etc. It may be that I’m discerning if this person is someone I want in my life. This is ultimately a wise use of judgment. I have evolved to a point where I can decide healthy from unhealthy, toxic from non-toxic, helpful from unhelpful and I am not going to apologize for this judgment, it keeps me safe and surrounded by people and things that support who I need to be in this world!
Reflective
I’m judging someone in an exaggerated way. Often I’m trying to justify my own behavior or I’m feeling insecure about myself in some way, then by judging another I can feel better about myself. More often it’s an indication of something I’m judging about myself, that I can’t quite see or don’t want to look at in the moment. Generally, something I don’t accept, but I’m seeing it in another person very vividly.
And conversely, I’m feeling judged and it affects me. I have been very sensitive to judgment in my life; I can see it on people’s faces, hear it in their tone, read it in their body language. The intensity of outside judgment I experienced was usually in direct proportion to how intensely I was judging myself in that scenario. Any perceived judgment nourished my inner critic. My critic could then say, “I told you were…”. I carried a lot of self-loathing, so I felt harshly judged by everyone, because I was harshly judging myself about everything. Ultimately, both are linked to that harsh internal voice of my own inner critic.
At this point you may be thinking, “Great, I admit it….I judge! But how does that help me or make me feel better about myself”. Getting real with myself and admitting that I DO indeed judge and that so does everyone else, that it’s an unavoidable part of being human and that it does serve me; gave me a greater sense of freedom. Free to make my judgments, without my inner critic calling me a “bad girl” or “un-spiritual”. Admitting I am judging allows me to really look at the judgments I’m having in a more objective way, instead of shaming myself or ignoring the message they have for me.
When I notice my judgment, I can ask myself the following questions:
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-Am I discerning if someone/something is safe or healthy for me to expose myself to in this moment? And do I need to create a boundary here?
-How much of the judgment I’m having is about something I haven’t accepted about myself? And can this judgment help me expose this unaccepted part of myself, give it a voice and allow it to exist within me? And outside of me?
-Am I judging another, because there’s a part of me that feels really insecure? This is usually my internal child that is driving the proverbial “bus” and she’s getting slammed by the inner critic. I try to hold that little person and give her the love she needs, in the form of reassurance and acceptance. “I love you just the way you are!”
-Simply noticing my mind is judging and naming it. When I’m judging someone or something, but it doesn’t have any real bearing on my life, that I’m just judging; I can decide how much energy I want to spend on this judgment. I ask the question if someone’s belief/behavior/choice really concerns me or is REALLY affecting me? If it doesn’t, I can then turn it around and send someone love, peace, ease, on the decision THEY are making. As it might be the right thing for them to experience on their path. If it does concern me, I can be straight up with myself and/or them (if I want a deeper relationship) about how I feel.
This works in the opposite direction too! When I think that I am being judged:
– I ask myself if my belief/behavior/choice is really affecting the judger in my life at that moment. If it does, I can address it directly with them. If my choice does not affect them, I can ask myself “how comfortable am I with my decision?” If I’m not comfortable, I can address what isn’t sitting right with me or I can kick my inner critic to the curb. If I do feel comfortable with my decision, then their judgment doesn’t have to affect me. Either way I can create a boundary for a judgmental person in order to feel safer.
-By accepting that I judge and seeing how judgment is played out in my life, I can try to have empathy for the person that is judging me. I can see how my action is triggering another person’s own inner critic or seeing how they are trying to discern what works for them and what doesn’t. By simply knowing that judging comes with the territory of being a human being, I can more readily accept another person’s judgment without it spiraling me into my own self-loathing and self-doubt.
By being really honest about my human-ness, I’m loving myself, judgments and all. It’s just another aspect of myself I can accept and the more I accept about myself, the less I care if I’m judged by another. In turn, I also judge others less harshly. And isn’t that what spirituality is all about!
Contact me if you’d like to explore your judgements and how they maybe serving you!