“What’s spiritual bypassing”? As defined by Robert Masters, “it’s when spirituality disconnects us from what really matters”. To give some examples; when we explain away our feelings with the idea of karma or gratitude, or think we can change the course of our day by simply being positive, or being boundary-less, while letting people mistreat you and telling yourself it doesn’t matter because we are all “One”, and the list of ways we can bypass goes on and on. If you want a really thorough explanation, read Robert’s book titled “Spiritual Bypassing”.
In my experience, bypassing is running rampant these days and not just in spiritual circles! Last week, I heard it broadcast by people in the grocery store and at the gym, I read it on social media sites and in magazine articles, after getting a good dose of it, I could feel my solar plexus tighten, followed by this sudden urge to scream. I had to fight the strong desire to stop everything I was doing, to step in and explain how harmful or un-enlivening all those spiritual platitude really are. Then I asked myself, “why are you being so reactive, judgmental and righteous about this?” It hit me, on a couple of fronts:
I have very little compassion or acceptance for “the me” that bypassed for years. I bypassed because I didn’t know what else to do with my unresolved, unwelcome, unlovable, seemingly “negative” emotions. I used to say I have a PhD in Bypassing.
All those challenging emotional states (anger, fear, sadness, judgment, etc), and my interpretation of my spiritual practice, helped re-enforce and justify my unacceptance of my experience. You might be asking, “how did you use your spiritual practice to bypass your life?” To name a few…
-I avoided really feeling my anger, thus keeping myself from creating needed boundaries in toxic relationships.
-I wasn’t allowing my current sadness to emerge, so I could feel and heal my wounds from my past.
-I wasn’t able to discern my imagined fears from real fears, all along stopping myself from living and taking chances that sometimes needed to be taken in order to grow as a person.
-My inner critic used my spiritual practice to beat me up, by constantly telling me how I wasn’t measuring up to some fictional idea of how a spiritual person is supposed act.
I see now how much of my experience I was really avoiding, how it wasn’t serving me and now I feel very strongly that it is not “my path” anymore. And ultimately I’m still pissed at myself that I did it for so long! That was part of my reactivity.
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What was next was harder to look at and admit…
I also have this little person trapped in my chest that was doing most of the screaming. Really, I’m not delusional! I just recognize this part of my psyche that has been fighting my whole life to be heard, to be respected, to be “right”! This is the part that has been protecting my heart, pushing me forth in my life, literally “in spite” of not getting what I needed as a child. This is the “rebel” archetype that has been “driving my bus” in many of my personal relationships; pushing limits, pushing my opinion, pushing my agenda. All of that pushing to get respect, because “I have to be right”.
So this may all sound kind of complex and it was in some ways! It took me some honest looking to figure out what was really being played out for me. Once it hit me, I knew I had to address the parts of me that needed some attention. First I had to give “the me” that bypassed for years real compassion and understanding. I could see my inner critic had a hand here, telling me in that harsh, sarcastic tone “You should’ve known better, you wasted so many years not really living”.
But when I stand up against my critic, I can cut myself some slack! In all actuality, I didn’t know better! I realize that WAS my path at that time. And even though I know it’s not my path now, it has brought me HERE and that is what’s important. I also had to address that “little person” that has been holding my heart for ransom, keeping me disconnected from myself and others, which was a bit trickier! That rebellious bit has been here for a long time; slugging it out, looking for recognition, always PUSHING. I thanked ‘em, told ‘em I respected US, and that’s what really matters, my own self-respect. If I can truly respect myself and my ENTIRE path that brought me here, to this place, I can respect other people’s journeys and where ever they are on it.
This doesn’t mean I’m going to stop inviting the people in my life to look under those “feel good” sentiments, it means I’m going to try not to cling to being right about them being “wrong”, in order for me to feel some long lost respect. Some times that feel good sentiment is all that can really be digested in that moment and that’s OK!
Contact me if you would like to foster more compassion for yourself!