I hear things like this said in some circles:
– “I have created this experience/illness/pain” or
– “If I can be/do everything perfectly, I can shift my perception of this experience” or
– “Why did I give myself cancer/this hardship?” or
– “Why did I “call this in”?
I will admit, during my peak of spiritual bypassing, this was my belief. A kind of magical thinking, that maybe I could control my entire experience just by thinking differently, by staying positive, trying to be “perfect”, etc.
Ultimately, this line of thinking didn’t do much for my well being!
Yes, we do play a role in our experience and we have a great impact on our world, our lives, our health, but this does not mean that we literally cause our reality to be a certain way. While I believe there is a lot we do not understand about existence or how our reality is interpreted by our brain, I don’t think this line of thinking is that helpful when the “shit hits the fan” in our own lives or the lives of others.
In my work with cancer patients, this comes up a lot. There is this perpetuated notion that THEY are responsible for GIVING themselves cancer. This creates a great deal of shame and plants this terrible idea that they really did something wrong in their life that “called cancer in”. This line of thinking is not taking into account the great many factors (genetics, environmental factors, cultural stress, etc) that play into health and well-being, beyond what we actually do control (caring for our physical and emotional health). The bottom line is we don’t really know the exact combination of factors that causes cancer for some people, but not for others. So our cultural proclivity for toxic shame is spread into how we get sick… “I must have brought this upon myself” or “I didn’t take good enough care of myself” or the most familiar, “I did something wrong, again”.
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This type of over responsibility can create the idea, “If I created this experience/illness, I should be able to make it go away”. What I have witnessed with some clients, is after putting all their attention on battling their disease and if it doesn’t change, than more toxic shame can ensue. This whole idea has reinforced an old conditioned response that they have already carried long enough in their lives, ”what am I doing wrong that I can’t get rid of my cancer” or “I am not doing it good enough”. This is not healing, healthy or compassionate!
With this mentality of healing, people can also tend to avoid or suppress the “uncomfortable emotions” that arise from the experience of being diagnosed, as well as treatment and symptoms (fear, anger, sadness, etc). The idea to suppress, usually comes from the notion that having “negative emotions” created the cancer and cancer patients are told they need to “stay positive”. Again, reinforcing the idea that they have created the cancer, they need to be in control of everything in order to make it go away, including their EXTERNAL expression of their experience.
In my opinion, all these “negative” emotions are extremely valid and are natural, especially when faced with a life threatening disease. Actually feeling them may be necessary to help a person heal at a very deep level and not just physically. We are humans and emotions, comfortable or otherwise, ARE PART OF THE TRIP. Suppression of these emotions can cause a general stifling of a person’s life force, life force that could be used to heal physically, mentally and emotionally or to fully live the life we have in this moment. Emotions come up for a reason, either because they are a valid expression of what is being experienced and/or they are an indication of a much deeper wound that needs some attention.
Emotional truth and intimacy during an illness can be handled in a way that validates a person’s current experience without the toxic shame. Finding space for our full experience can uncover the parts of ourselves that need attention, love, and compassion; healing wounds we didn’t create, manifest or choose. We can gain tools to work in each moment to be aware of what is needed to live a full, honest, and authentic life…with or without cancer.
Please contact me if you, or someone you love, is battling an illness or hardship and would like a compassionate guide to help you through it ALL!
I think this Jeff Brown quote sums up many of these points:
“Yet another tenet of the ungrounded spirituality movement is to blame people for their physical illnesses. If only they had dealt with their past life issues, if only they had become more aware, if only they had processed more of their emotional pain, if only… Not only are these comments presumptuous- only the person with the illness can make those statements- but they ignore the very simple fact that illness is often sourced in many things, a number of which are not easily identifiable and certainly not attributable to karma or awareness or emotional health. SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST GET SICK. I have seen too many new agers working someone else’s illness as an egoic boost, narcissistically using it as evidence of their own superiority “Well, I didn’t get sick, because I am a more aware person”. Nonsense! Sometimes people just get sick, and if you can’t respond with compassion, keep quiet. They don’t need insult added to injury. They need our presence.”