I’m feeling inspired and ready to take the next step. This is the one where I really show up, where I use my voice and share what I’ve learned; my perspective, my own trials and tribulations, my experiments with honesty, etc. I have the intention to share what my experience is and has been, with the hope that my perspective can help someone else feel less alone or at least encourage someone to look at their life from a slightly different angle. I’m not interested in professing that I know it all, from the “been there done that” place or “now that I’m past that phase”, but more from a “hmmm, this is interesting, what does this mean for me and what’s here for me”.
I no longer think I’m going to reach a final destination where everything is glorious all the time (enlightenment) or that the only thing worth sharing are the happy moments or feelings, which would require me do some heavy spiritual bypassing. I know that being truly alive is about showing up for each moment, no matter how painful, being interested, being honest, creating boundaries when I need to and feeling the great sense of freedom that comes with that entire process. To share this perspective with you requires me to be my “full size”, to honestly share my golden shadow, the things that are amazing about me that I don’t always see, and my dark shadow, the things that are unpleasant about me that I’d rather not look at and definitely not share.
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I have a history of swinging between over-confidence (exaggerating my golden shadow) and self-loathing (over identification with my dark shadow), both of which were/are inextricably linked to my inner critic. You know the inner critic, everyone has one, the nasty little voice that keeps us down, judges us harshly, is just plain mean! The “over-confidence” was a shield and compensatory strategy against that cruel voice in my head that said “you need to prove you are worthy of… love, respect, friendship, etc, etc, etc”. The “self-loathing” took over when the pendulum swung back the other way and toxic shame would hit me in the face for being in-authentic, prideful, pompous, and a laundry list of other “flaws”. I can still swing a little, but the momentum has slowed considerably, thanks to a lot of guidance and external validation. Most days I love myself enough to know I don’t have to prove anything anymore, that I am enough as is, without exaggerating it AND I love myself enough to kick the harsh voice of toxic shame (my inner critic) to the curb and see my own innocence when I slip into behavior I’m not proud of. It takes effort, awareness, self-reflection, but mostly a commitment to the truth and to my own freedom and it’s not always pretty or fun. So I want to write about it ALL, to share what may be meaningful to both you and me, but mostly to force myself to show up fully and step out of that DAMN box.